Dancing in the Dark
I recently worked with a client, taking her through a guided journey to connect her more deeply to her truth - her purpose. It was such a beautiful co-creative experience of witnessing her drop deeply into the wisdom of her soul and see her relax as she let her mind soften. The words and images that came through her could be felt viscerally and resonated with truth.
I love guiding women on journeys inward to help them connect at this deep level. Often, when I’m guiding and working with women, the gifts that come through serve us both. This experience was no exception. In all transparency, as I guided her, I too was provided a reminder to surrender in a moment when my ego wanted to "be in control”. In those moments, I now recognize that I can allow my heart to lead when my ego is trying to control, judge, or do things perfectly.
When I/you/we operate from a state of control, judgment, perfection, we live out of flow with our highest expression, wisdom, and joy…
When my ego surrenders to an experience, I can release any preconceived expectations (born from control) to allow magic to flow for myself and those I serve.
I know now that the outcome is beyond what I could have planned or imagined when I do trust - and get out of the way. Not because my ego is suddenly put into submission - because it's not - but because my heart is leading. Because love – the bliss of being connected to Source – is guiding me.
In those moments, my heart feels the resonance and tone of what is occurring in a way that my logical mind simply can't. This resonance feels a bit like dancing in the dark – feeling the steps land instinctively as I surrender to the energy of the Divine in a loving and trusting way. Despite how much my rational mind will continue to seek perfection or control, my heart knows it is all perfection and in flow.
As a recovering perfectionist, I welcome these reminders. Especially when faced with more opportunities to relinquish my perfectionist tendencies (read: if it's not going to be perfect, why bother? Oh, can you feel that harsh judge?).
Perfectionism kept me from being my fullest self for so much of my life. While I now recognize this aspect of self, I admit that I'm still learning to be with it. She is part of me, and I am learning to dance with her.
Even now, years later, perfectionism almost kept me from fully showing up to participate in a Winter Solstice ceremony this past December. When I was first invited to be part of the chorus, I replied with a full-bodied yes, thinking I would be singing and nothing more. But as I learned more details of the event, I was suddenly met with a barrage of old fears and doubts. I was told I would be part of a 3-person choir that would have lines to remember, queued to the lines of others, in conjunction with choreographed movements throughout the entire play. The thought of performing in front of strangers, in this way, was both terrifying and exhilarating. My inner-critic, self-saboteur, perfectionist was activated, as was my joyful muse.
Who would lead?
I called upon the same tools that I use with my clients to deepen into the wisdom within.
As with any performance, there is a call for preparation. I chose to see this opportunity to prepare as an act of devotion of love and service. I invited my perfectionist to dance with me rather than resist her. Together, we learned the lines, the movements, and the logistics not to be perfect but to bring the gifts of structure and devotion and clear the way for love to flow. I remembered it is wise and necessary to embrace my fear, judge, and inner critic to open my heart to the joy awaiting on the other side.
The night of the event, I found myself excited and calm. I had no butterflies, no anxiety, only readiness. I was filled with confidence born from the desire to connect at a heart level and was free of perfectionist tendencies. Much like the journey I guided my client through, this turned out to be a truly magical experience. I was overcome with a feeling of freedom with nothing to prove to anyone. My part in the 'play' was simply to show up fully expressed and in my joy – all parts of me fully present to the magic unfolding in each moment.
This is the path of the Divine Feminine…to surrender to the wisdom within with trust and grace. And being on this path requires devotion.
Consider how you may have been hiding or resisting because of these darker, messier aspects of self in your own life…
Are you willing to dance with them, whoever they are?
How has perfectionism, judgment, or expectation prevented you from expressing your joy or sharing your gifts?
How can you invite these aspects of self into the magic of the moment?
What is your soul calling you to embrace with love?
As women, we often find ourselves in the role of people-pleaser, perfectionist, good-girl…So many labels speak to how we have dimmed our light for fear of being fully seen.
Ironically, it is in the act of being seen as the whole being that we are that we feel most alive and offer our best selves to the world. When we've learned to dance with the shadows in the dark, we shine the brightest.
Come dance in the dark, dear Sister…
